Today is the day he leaves me.
We have had such a glorious few weeks since the night he told me he loved me. He has become the man I knew he was from the start. The man I saw, and I knew. I instantly knew what he was to be to me.
This past week has been a hard one. I have found myself in our home on my own, surrounded by our memories. We have built our home in this flat he has lived in, during his time in my part of the world. I have a home, a real one. I have my clothes here, and a toothbrush. I make our bed, and do our washing. We have fresh flowers by the window. I now catch myself smiling as I fold away his pants.
We have a home.
I know it gets him too, this leaving it all behind. We have found ourselves settled, in a place that is no longer ours. It seems a luxury to him, this idea of settlement. He is to be moving during the summer, to another permenant residence, and I know he is excited for it. I can already imagine him browsing cushions, and saucepans, and placing flowers by his bed. He is houseproud, my love is. Now I feel he’s homeproud, too.
I lay in bed next to him again, the time I see is nearing 6am. This is the last time I’ll see him in this bed, a smile on his face. The last time I will feel his warm glow and wake to his smile in the morning. This is where we met, and fell in love. I can never let our time here decay and rust, in my memory.
I fell in love here.
I have been dreading today, and already I feel the knots tightening in my stomach. I should probably sleep, but instead I feel compelled to lie here and watch him. This is our last time here. It’s really the end.
He would be upset if he knew how much I’ve cried this past week. I am an emotional being, but not even I was expecting myself to feel as sad as I do currently. I cannot begin to imagine how I will be when I leave him at the airport. When I turn my back, and know that’s it.
I must sleep now. He’s turned over and is facing away from me. I really must get to sleep. I’m going to wrap my arms around him and squeeze him into me. I don’t want to let go of him. Not now, not ever.